Tuesday, October 31, 2006

{SnOOkiE} r u still there??????
{SnOOkiE} hello??
{SnOOkiE} i will go now. bye bye
[GTF]MuffinMan WHO IS ZIS??
{SnOOkiE} u r back. where did u go?
{SnOOkiE} who r u????? where is the person from before?????
{SnOOkiE} i have to GO!!!!!!!!
{SnOOkiE} NO!!!!!!! im NOT a SPY!!!! i must go!!!!
{SnOOkiE} u WONT FIND mE!!! im going
{SnOOkiE} how do u knwo???????? NO IM NOT!!!!
{SnOOkiE} GO AWAY!!!!! I HAve NOT DONE ANYTNG!!!! I AM tURNIGN MT COMPUTER OFF!!!!!!!!! ŽENA - Chemická analýza

Sunday, October 29, 2006

[GTF]MuffinMan Snookie, I can't tell you that. If I tell you and you tell someone else then I will be in trouble.
{SnOOkiE} i wont tell anyone else. tell me please!!!
[GTF]MuffinMan You have to promise me. If I tell you and someone finds out, I will be shot in the head. I have been shot in the head before and I don't like it. It hurts!
{SnOOkiE} you havent been SHOT IN THE HEAD!!! If U WERE SHot IN THE HEAD U WOOD BE DEAD!!!! Dont JOKE me!!!!
[GTF]MuffinMan Snookie, I really have been shot in the head. Promise. But it missed my brain and how I have a metal plate in my head.
{SnOOkiE} COOL! r u a spy????
[GTF]MuffinMan Yes, I work for the KGB. PLEASE don't tell anybody.
{SnOOkiE} I promise. i wont even tell my uncle, he wood probably be angry for talking me to an commie anyway. is it cool being a spy???? have u killed many people???????
[GTF]MuffinMan It's very nice being a spy. It means that I can eat meat sometimes. Most people in communist countries can't eat meat, only bread.
{SnOOkiE} cool. did u kill people?????
[GTF]MuffinMan I have only killed two people. But it's not nice. I had to kill my father because he was giving secrets to the Americans.
{SnOOkiE} thats horrible!!!!!!!! i LOVE MY FATHER!!!!
[GTF]MuffinMan Oh my god, someone has come in the room!!
{SnOOkiE} who has cum in the room?????

Thursday, October 26, 2006

[GTF]MuffinMan Firstly, I don't think that you would like it here because we don't have televisions. Many years ago there was a man named Stalin, and he became president of Russia and the peoples democracies, countries like mine. Anyway, he said that TV was a very bad thing and made it against the law for people to watch it or sell them. Ok, please wait because my screen is full and I want to type more....
{SnOOkiE} u dont have television???? r u jocking????
{SnOOkiE} i have heard of stalin.
{SnOOkiE} r u still there??
[GTF]MuffinMan Anyway, we also don't have cars. This is because the Americans won't let us buy petrol from places like Texas. And there are no other countries in the world that can make petrol. In many ways this is good, because we don't get so fat as we have to walk everywhere. So I think you wouldn't like it here.
{SnOOkiE} america isnt the only cuntry that makes petrol. my uncle was in the war of the gulf which was a war about petrol!!!!!!!! america won thw war!!!!!
[GTF]MuffinMan I'm very impressed! You really do know your history. But did you know that Kuwait (the country that makes petrol) is now an American state? This means that Americans own this petrol and they won't sell it to communists.
{SnOOkiE} of course i knew!!!!!!! thnks. i like hsitory
{SnOOkiE} do u have computers????
[GTFJMuffinMan No, we don't have computers here, except for the government.
{SnOOkiE} if u dont have computores then how r u writing to me??
[GTF]MuffinMan I work for the government.
{SnOOkiE} LIEK A SPY???? R U A SPY!!!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

{SnOOkiE} hhow many wifes to you have???
[GTF]MuffinMan So far I have been married 7 times. I am going to get married again soon, but first I must get rid of Olga, my current wife.
{SnOOkiE} why??? do u not like here????
[GTF]MuffinMan I like her very much, but in this country when a woman starts to get older she gets VERY fat. I don't like fat women. So I will get a new one who is not fat. Are you fat?
{SnOOkiE} NO I AM NOT""'! I AM NOTT FAT!!!! I AM GOING TO BE A MODEL!!!! (GTF]MuffinMan That's nice. I like girls that look like models. Maybe you can be my next wife. :-)
{SnOOkiE} NO!!! lM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[GTF]MuffinMan Sorry Snookie, I was joking. Really. I know that you can't be my next wife because you wouldn't like it here.
{SnOOkiE} Ok. as long as u were jocking! why woudlnt i like it there in russia????? tell me about russin!
[GTF]MuffinMan Ok, but it will be a long sentance. You will have to wait while I type it, ok?
{SnOOkiE} ok. i will wait.
[GTF]MuffinMan Good, because if you like history, you can tell this to your teacher at school :-)
{SnOOkiE} ok

Sunday, October 22, 2006

{SnOOkiE} i dont know u very well. but probaby it wood be sad if you were dead from a born. killing pople is not nice but commies kill people all the time and they are evil.
[GTF]MuffinMan It's not true. We are very nice people. Just like Americans. Are you really 17 years old?
{SnOOkiE} YES!!! I AM!!! how old r u????
[GTF]Muffin Man I don't know.
{SnOOkiE} ???????? WHY DONT U KNOW?????
[GTF]MuffinMan Because in communist countries we don't have birthdays. No one knows how old they are. I think I am something like 30 in American age.
{SnOOkiE} u dont have birfdays????? that is very sad. i like my b/day. tell me please what your real name is.
[GTF]Muffin Man I have many names, but my name now is Lenin. Next year I must change my name again. I don't know what I will change it to yet.
{SnOOkiE} ?? why do u change your name??
[GTF]MuffinMan I'm sorry, I can't tell you. It's a secret.
{SnOOkiE} does everone change there name in russia???
[GTF]MuffinMan No, only people like me. But it's not too bad. It means that I don't get my ex-wives chasing after me because they can't find out what my real name is. I like it.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

{SnOOkiE} mi uncle told me aboot russia. he was fiting against them once time. he said there are commies or something.
[GTF]MuffinMan Your Uncle was fighting against Russia? Wow! He must be very brave. Which war was this in? WWII?
{SnOOkiE} against the vietnam war against the russians. he siad we lost because our politicens werre all hamos and they dint help people like him to kill the gooks.
[GTF]MuffinMan I didn't know that Russia was in the Vietnam war. You must really know your history! Wow!
{SnOOkiE} yes it was. and vietnam peple as well. hsitory s 1 of my favoirite subjects. why didnt u know? u are russina.
{SnOOkiE} are u still tjhere??????
[GTF]MuffinMan I am not Russian, I am Czech. But we are close to Russia. I knew that the Russians were helping the Vietnamese with money and weapons, but I didn't know that they were fighting there. I am very impressed with your knowledge.
{SnOOkiE} thnx!! history is my bestest subject. my teachers sais that i will do realy well in my final exams. r u a commie????
[GTF]MuffinMan Actually, it's communist. Yes I am.
{SnOOkiE} mi uncle and my pop says that comminunists are bastads and shold be bomed with nuclear barns.
[GTF]MuffinMan Then I would be dead. I think that would make me very sad because I am a nice person. Do you think I am a nice person?


because i used to snook around. so she caled me snookie
[GTF]MuffinMan I understand. That makes sense :-) How old are you?
{SnOOkiE} i'am 17. u???
[GTF]MuffinMan You are still young :-) Does your mother still call you snookie?
[GTF]MuffinMan Sorry.
{SnOOkiE} why are you sorry?
[GTF]MuffinMan Because I said you are young. Because I am older I said you are young. To me you are still young but I know you are an adult. Where do you live?
{SnOOkiE} Ok. i live OK
[GTF]MuffinMan What? What is OK?
{SnOOkiE} Ok. oklahama. Dint you know that? r you an idiot!!!
[GTF]MuffinMan Please don't call me an idiot. Not I am not. I just didn't know that OK was the abbreviation for Oklahama. Which city do you live in?
{SnOOkiE] tulsa. it is boring!!!!! where do u live?
[GTF]MuffinMan The Czech Republic.
{SnOOkiE} i dont know that. what state is it in???
[GTF]MuffinMan It's not in any state, it is a country in Europe.
{SnOOkiE} like london??
[GTF]MuffinMan Something like that. But it is not close to the country of London.
{SnOOkiE} where is it then???????
[GTF]Muffin Man It's between Russia and Germany.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

[GTF]MuffinMan He was in a Rock Band called "The Idiot Americans". You can probably find their records in your local record shop. They made many GREAT records about Americans. Their best song was called "Why is my IQ so small?" Another great song was called, "My spelling is shit." Yes I am still here, just a longer sentance to type. :-)
{SnOOkiE} i dont think i wood like this band. it is a stupid name fro a band.
[GTF]MuffinMan Yes it is, but they were writing social commentary, so the songs MEANT something!!
{SnOOkiE} wot is soceal commentery?
[GTF]MuffinMan It doesn't matter. You are right. You probably wouldn't like the music. Can I ask you some questions?
{SnOOkiE} Ok, like wot?
[GTF]MuffinMan Are you male or female?
{SnOOkiE} femail. and u?
[GTF]MuffinMan Your name is nice. Where did you get it from?
{SnOOkiE} my mom used to call me it when i was young!
[GTF]MuffinMan Why?

Monday, October 16, 2006

A final word of caution!

Do NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-in-Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother-in-Law 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.

We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product! Chat
Posílám Vám průběh konverzace mezi anglickým lektorem působícím v Ostravě a Američankou na buddy chatu.
Bohužel příspěvek který jsem poslal byl zcela autentický. Amíci jsou na tom s IQ fakt bledě.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\I.THOUGHT.YOU.LOVED.ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run imultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse Can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I.APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Flatulence.wav files and Loudly.wav files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best friend 7.6.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Dear Glenda:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0.
However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Software: Husband 1.01

Dear Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruiseship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and talls new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Massive Clutter 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or Housecleaning 2.6. I've tried running the Nagging 5.3 patch but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!


Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Společenské hry pro chvíle volna

1. Na sekeráčka
Všichni (čím víc, tím líp), kromě jednoho hráče, se namačkají do kůlny s jedním oknem. Zbylí hráč vhodí tímto oknem do kůlny sekeru. Komu se zasekne do hlavy, ten vyhrál a stává se sekeráčkem.
2. Na škubánky
Soutěžící se seřadí na střeše rodinného domku nebo alespoň ve druhém patře paneláku a postupně skáčou dolů. Kdo se potom nejdéle škube, vyhrál.
3. Na sekáče
Soutěžící se namačkají k sobě a vyhodí do vzduchu sekeru. Kdo ji má poté v hlavě, je sekáč.
4. Na louskáčka
Soutěžící položí hlavu na koleje, a komu nejvíc louskne, když přejede vlak, je louskáček.
5. Na Česílka
Všichni soutěžící se zároveň potopí do rybníka. Kdo vyplave poslední, ten je Česílko.
6. Na vokouna
Hra se hraje v noci. Každý soutěžící dostane dvě vidličky (do každé ruky jednu), v místnosti se zhasne a v tu chvíli začne každý zuřivě máchat vidličkami kolem sebe. Po chvíli se rozsvítí a ten, kdo má na vidličkách nejvíc očí, je vokoun.
7. Na kaktus
Jako předchozí s tím, že místo vidliček se použijí špendlíky. Kdo jich má potom v sobě nejvíc, je kaktus.
8. Na horníky a uhlí
Soutěžící se rozdělí na dvě skupiny - horníky a uhlí. Nejprve horníci kopou uhlí, pak se uhlí změní v důlní plyn a začne dusit horníky.
9. Na dědu Mráze
Jeden člověk je vybrán za dědu Mráze. Ostatní si lehnou na zem a děda Mráz jim běhá po zádech.
10. Na vodní mlýn
Hra pro dva. Jeden si lehne na zem a druhý mu čůrá na lopatky.
11. Na ampérmetr
Soutěžící si namočí ruce ve vodě a jeden po druhém je strká do elektrické zásuvky. Ten kdo první vyhodí pojistky je AMPÉRMETR.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Onemocníte tou nemocí, která napadá kaštany. Je zákeřná a vynalézavá. Je nebezpečná a strašná. A to jsem se zmínil jen o části toho, co umí! Obavy jsou velmi, velmi na místě.
Horší virus neexistuje!
Okamžitě po obdržení tohoto dopisu jej rozešlete na všechny adresy, které znáte; na každou z nich sedmkrát až třiadvacetkrát, protože virus číhá na routerech a tyto dopisy žere. Ihned po rozeslání vytrhněte počítač ze sítě a ze zásuvky a co nejrychleji utíkejte na nejbližší kopec, kde vyčkejte na další informace.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Až zaspíte, schová vám klíče od auta a přeprogramuje vám autorádio tak, že v zácpě uslyšíte jenom šum.
Vinou Badtime se zamilujete do zatvrzelého pedofila. V noci se vám bude zdát o cirkusových trpajzlících. Až vám vaše dívka zahne v hotelu, účet se připíše do vyúčtování vaší Visa karty.
Pošle tchyni pozvání na týdenní návštěvu. A oznámí vaší bývalé dívce vaše nové telefonní číslo.
Badtime vám svede babičku, bez ohledu na to, jestli je mrtvá. Taková je síla Badtime, že sahá až za hrob, aby se dotkl toho, co je nám nejdražší.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Hrozí virus!!!

V Internetu se začíná šířit zatím nejnebezpečnější virus! Do počítače proniká protokolem ICMP a DNS dotazy, takže je prakticky nezjistitelný a firewally jej nezadrží.
Pokud dostanete e-mail se slovem Badtimes v subjectu, okamžitě ho smažte bez čtení. Jde o doposud vůbec ten nejnebezpečnější virus!!!
Po průniku do počítače nejprve rozbliká obrazovku na takovém kmitočtu, že kdo se na ní podívá, je do dvou až tří sekund zhypnotizován a upadne na své židli do alfa-spánku. Poté virus roztočí pevný disk na tak vysoké obrátky, že plotny disku prorazí kryt disku i počítače a uříznou spícímu uživateli hlavu a jiné končetiny. Při tom dojde samozřejmě také ke ztrátě všech dat z disku. Nejen to, on zničí i všechny diskety položené poblíž počítače.
Přenastaví váš termostat v ledničce, takže vám roztaje zmrzlina a srazí se vám mléko. Demagnetizuje vám proužky na platebních kartách, zruší předvolby na videu a pomocí prostorového harmonického pole poškrábe všechna CD, která si budete chtít přehrát.
Vaší dívce změní telefonní číslo. Do akvária vám naleje fridex. Před příchodem návštěvy vám vypije všechno pivo a na stole nechá špinavé fusekle.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

How to impress a woman
• compliment her
• cuddle her
• kiss her
• caress her
• love her
• stroke her
• tease her
• comfort her
• protect her
• hug her
• hold her
• spend money on her<
• wine & dine her
• buy thing for her
• listen to her
• care for her
• stand by her
• support her
• go to the ends of the earth for her ...

How to impress a man
• show up naked
• buy him a beer